Dashing Through The Mall, With A One Person Open Cart.

Tis the season for shopping and for the past several days, I've done just that. Now I tell you of my exploits in the field so you will know of my expertize in the giving of advise to both shoppers and stores. First let me suggest that if you must shop, if you are so foolish as to believe that you know better than those you would wish to give gifts to, what it is that they actually want, including the right sizes, colors, models and brands, if you actually think that, let me say here and now, you are wrong. But if you insist on doing it anyway, let me caution you that the experience will likely cause some substantial discomfort. Before you go, take some extra strength, long lasting pain relievers and don't forget something for acid indigestion. For the stores, whether in a mall, shopping center or a stand alone, consider that the parking lot is, in all likelihood, ill designed. Also, you might consider that, while handicapped parking is both advisable and required, you should not devote more handicapped spaces than unrestricted spaces. I consider those spaces reserved for expectant mothers, for the purpose of this narrative, as handicapped. Spaces should be just wide enough so as to allow only some minor damage to the car next to the one that just pulled in and opened the door. Once inside the store, I would suggest uniformed traffic patrolmen. They should be generous with tickets for shoppers who park their cart in the middle of a narrow isle, then proceed to stand along side it while reading all of the exciting literature on the outside of a shrink wrapped sale item. Tickets for speeding out of blind intersections are also recommended. And store managers, be sure to place additional display shelving in the middle of isles so they are not quite wide enough to allow a cart to pass through or turn around. These tickets could be in the form of a reduction in the discounts being offered. Another innovation I would suggest is turn signals on shopping carts. That way when that lady who isn't watching what she's doing, can put the left turn signal on, so that she can turn right. An even better idea would be to begin your seasonal shopping six months earlier.