It's A Problem Of Visability.

       For a while now some bird has been decorating the windshield of my car. It seems to happen early in the morning, most mornings. I've tried to catch sight of it as it bombs my car, but so far I've had no luck. I don't even know what breed it is, never mind that I don't know which member of that breed it is. I've tried contacting the policia and even the gendarmerie, but they all claim not to have jurisdiction here. Even the Immigration and Naturalization Service won't help.
       I'd ask for help in this matter from Congress, but given their current record of achievement, I don't think I'll be around that long. You don't suppose the Supreme Court could help, do you? No, come to think of it, I don't have the kind of money that would make them want to bother. Maybe the Federal Elections Board could help. Ya know, I don't know if this bird is even registered. Maybe I could demand it show Photo ID, but then it isn't trying to vote, just dive bomb my car, and weapons do not require registration. Maybe Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms could help?
       Maybe Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas could help. He's been known to champion some unusual causes. I think he still believes in his heart of hearts that Pres. Obama is not from America. I don't think this bird is from America either. Ya know, there's no wall along the border that's gonna keep any birds out. And no self respecting American bird would do what this bird is doing.
        I'd get a gun stand guard over my car, but this isn't one of those stand your ground states. It'd be just my luck I'd get arrested for carrying an exposed firearm. That's another question I have. How do you get arrested for carrying a concealed gun? If the cops saw it then it must not be concealed. If they can't see it, how would they know you have it? But getting back to that bird, I'm running out of ideas. Neither the Citizens United case or the McCutcheon decision from yesterday is of any help. Either with my problem or in cleaning up the money in elections problems.