Vote For Me. I'll Take Care Of You.

Well, it's decided. I'm going to run for office. But unlike Pat Paulson, a comedian from the 60s or 70s who ran for president as a comedic gag, I'm running for Congress. Paulson's problem was that he set his sights too low. See, Congress is where the real money is. What with PACs and slush funds and junkets and corporate largess it's a dream come true. Not only that, but if you become a congressman, after one term, two years, you can retire to a life of ease with full benefits. Or you can take the full benefits and become a lobbyist. The nice part about that is that you get complete access to everything from the exclusive restaurant that is off limits to all but current and former lawmakers. So now I have the gear up for 2012. After all, most of my competition is already in full swing. In fact they're in full campaign swing 24/7/52 every year. Well, I've come up with a slogan for my campaign. "A VOTE FOR ME, IS A VOTE FOR ME!" Catchie, isn't it. I believe in Truth In Campaigning. We'll worry about what I say or do after the elections, after the elections. For now, I want to be completely truthful. Well at least as far as anyone will be able to tell. The real difficulty is in determining just what people know and whether or not they'll talk. The rest is a cake walk. I plan on doing all my campaigning in corporate boardrooms. Never mind the cigar smoke, I'll wear a mask if I have to. The next question, which has nothing to do with which corporate boardrooms, is which state and district to run in. I'm looking for someone in the House of Representatives who is ready to retire and has no "up and comer" waiting in the wings. I'd especially be interested in a district with an opponent who is in favor of laws to help and protect the working man and the poor and who is opposed to any legislation to give tax breaks to business and industry. I'm also interested in someone who is against gun ownership rights. That would be like manna from heaven. So if you know of such a place, let me know. There may be a place for you on my staff.